5 on Friday: reasons to hate juicing

(photo: Yoga Journal)

so everyone who’s done a juice cleanse, raise your hands. now keep ’em up if you loved it and would do it like all the time. all 6 of y’all are crazy.

i started out the week on a bit of a health kick. seemed like a simple little 3 day juice cleanse would be just the thing to kill some bloat and jump start some healthier habits that would hopefully carry me through the holidays, starting with the candy-and-booze-fest that is Halloween. so last weekend i hauled my ass over to the Whole Foods and picked up all the supplies (19 bottles!) to do the Arden’s Garden Love Your Liver Cleanse.

i’ve done various juice cleanses several times over the past several years — Master Cleanse once and a couple of the dtox juice ones several times. but it’s been a while. obviously long enough to make me forget why every time i do one i say never again. and it’s not the reasons you’d think. i always think the juices taste great — even the weird green ones. and i never really get hungry, so it’s not about that. but here are the 5 reasons i hate juicing:

1. sugar 
there is sooooooo much sugar in juice. yes, even the green ones always have some apple or something in them. to be perfectly honest, it makes me feel like shit. i generally eat a fairly low-carb, low-sugar diet (especially since they took away the candy bowls at work). starting your day with 24 grams of sugar is like . . . according to the Googles . . . downing 2 tablespoons of sugar at breakfast. i know fructose or whatever is in fruit is different from white refined cane sugar, but still. that just seems really gross. and that’s more or less all you’re putting in your system all day long for (in this case) 6 bottles worth. this go around, i never finished more than 4 of the juices + lemon water. i was just too sweeted out. and instead of flushing out toxins, i honestly think it bloats me.

2. protein
yeah, protein is my boo. as hinted above, my diet (on a good day) contains a lot of protein and good good fats. these cleanses contain neither. long story short, even for 3 days, this makes me feel like complete crap.

3. fiber (and crunch!)
mmm-hmm. another thing there is virtually none of in a juice cleanse. um. not to get too graphic, but how are we supposed to be eliminating all these toxins if there is no, uh, elimination? ingesting no fiber for 3 days is also a really weird thing for me and my, um, system. i also miss the crunch of fruits and vegetables. okay, fine. and gluten-free crackers. bottom line: chewing and pooing are basic everyday experiences that just make life better.

4. wine
speaking of making life better, is wine not a juice??? this has been confusing to me every single time i’ve done this. am i alone?

5. boredom
and in the end, even for 3 days, no salt, no texture, no socializing normally is just not for me. even if it is helping my physical well-being (doubt — did i actually gain weight this time??), the mental portion does not click. i think i did get that Zen feeling after like a week on Master Cleanse. or maybe i just submitted to the utter boredom at that point and what i was experiencing was sheer and utter ennui.

lesson finally learned, i think. i will stick to my solid-food version of healthy eating (lean protein, veggies, no dairy, no starches, no booze) next time i’m feeling like i need to pull it back together for a few days. would love to hear your experiences with juicing! i plan to read responses over a non-WHO-approved bacon-wrapped filet and a bottle of Zin . . . happy weekend, y’all!