agency afterlife: week 7

photo 2

i don’t run often enough. but when i do, i run in the cemetery near my home. some people think it’s morbid. i find it exhilirating. the wide paths, with no cars on them, travel a varied topography with enough long stretches up to make my thighs weak and enough blissful flats to let me catch my breath. it is beautiful, peaceful and reminds me with every step that no matter how bad things seem, they really could be worse. i mean, i could be a permanent resident and not just passing through.

i was especially reminded of this today, when i  chose a different route. classic solution for feeling stuck in a rut, right? i’d spent another morning networking and trolling LinkedIn and some freelance boards, thinking about doing some writing or revising my site (again) and in the end, feeling a little paralyzed by it all. again. cue change of scenery.

as i rounded a familiar bend, but from the opposite direction today, i got a sign. literally. for the very first time in 4 years of running Crest Lawn, i noticed the Garden of Faith section marker. it literally made me stop in my tracks (after pausing Nike Running and the random Paris Hilton track it had dug up. don’t judge.). it seemed like the exact place i should be right now—metaphorically, of course.

in the past 7 weeks, i have struggled a lot with not just what will be next for me, but what i want to be next. i’ve been suffering from the paradox of too many options, yet no options, as this process takes its painfully slow course. while i’ve got the chance to re-think what i want to be when i grow up, the reality of tuition and mortgage and car payments makes the dream pool much more shallow. and i’ve spent a lot of time spinning, trying to keep doing and keep things moving, trying to figure out the best way forward.

today’s surprise visit to the Garden of Faith reminded me that sometimes, you need to stand still first in order to move forward in the right direction. and it re-assured me that everything is going to be okay. i just need to continue to have faith that that right direction is going to present itself. perhaps the sign i’m looking for won’t be so literal is it was today, but i will know it when i see it. i always do.

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