happy National Chaos & Destruction Day!

so, according to Facebook, it is National Puppy Day. apparently Hallmark has been replaced in the business of creating non-holiday holidays for people to get in a tizzy about now that we have Facebook. sheesh. when i mentioned the “holiday” to Spy this morning, he asked if every day wasn’t National Puppy Day. i mean, on what day do people not freaking love puppies? then, after witnessing the volume of poo and puppy-induced squalor produced overnight, he asked when it was going to be National Grumpy Old Man Day. every day, Angry Mr. Woodward. every day.

we love Lily. don’t get me wrong. she is a great snuggler. especially when all 35 pounds of her snuggles down on my pillow on top of my head every night. and nibbles the top of my head before kicking it as she stretches out one of her gangly legs, leaving me just a tiny corner to sleep on. but there are other things she is also really good at:

poo — this dog is an epic pooer. occasionally she decides to do it outside. other mornings (like today) we woke to the poopocalypse. i mean shit everywhere. literally. i have not cleaned up so much of someone else’s poo since Miss Girl was a baby. it is truly a lovely way to start the morning. not.

holes — our landscaper hates us. or is at least laughing heartily at us whilst giant dollar signs flash in his eyes. as of tonight, our postage-stamp-sized back yard has no fewer than 7 holes ranging from put-put cup to Grand Canyon. i’m hoping when the grass starts to come in green, they won’t be as noticeable. [insert teeth clenched emoji]

shredding — not like on a snowboard. that would be something. no, i just mean in the old-fashioned sense. newspapers, paper towels, shoe insoles, stuffed animals (in her defense, how is she supposed to tell the difference between Olaf and one of her toys?), evening gown linings (no defense on that one) . . . i found tonight that she has shredded a window screen outside, apparently jumping up begging to be let in after approximately 30 seconds alone. if i gave her a head of cabbage, i’m sure she would make a lovely cole slaw.

eating — her talents here go far beyond eating us out of house and home in the puppy food department. she is eating our sofa (another hole) and its innards. she has eaten her toy basket . . . the cat’s poo (poo. again.) . . . the cards from the Operation game (thank god i now have a legit reason to toss that thing) . . . markers, crayons, ear plugs, dirt (holes), carpet and probably a few other things i can’t even remember or don’t know about. we have considered returning her to the Humane Society on the grounds that we thought we were adopting a dog, not a goat.

escaping — we have a baby gate on the stairs for the first time in 2 or 3 years. a baby gate, for god’s sake. Lily simply cannot be trusted to roam.  of course she’s busted through it a couple times. now, her new trick is trying to escape the back yard. never mind the fact that soon, i believe, this high-jumper will be able to scale the fence. no, the trick du jour is to dig under the fence (holes. ugh.). Friday night, we actually had to loosen part of the fence because she dug down, then pulled her head up and got stuck between two of the pickets. can she not just gain another 10 pounds immediately so she’s got no hope in hell of getting over or under?

it is a constant battle to keep Lily and everything around her safe and at least relatively in place. but alas, of course we’re not sending her back. she is learning. the fact that i didn’t list “humans” among the things she eats means she has mad progress. a lot. there was a time when she treated my wrist like a rawhide bone. and even though she isn’t totally potty trained, at least now she will go outside — a huge improvement over those first few weeks, when she was afraid to leave the house. not everybody picks up everything all at once. and like the poor doggie with the too-long tail in one of Miss Girl’s books, she tries to be good. she really does. also, as luck would have it, Mother Nature did her job really well and made this one extra cute, so it’s pretty much impossible not to love her. no matter what.

happy National Puppy Day to everyone else who has one, loves one and can’t wait for it to be a lazy old dog.